[Fedoras of Salvation] - White Knights ITT

[redthirst]

2 months?

You'll either have bagged another one or two or be real ready to.

I'd love to go, Alex, but I'm not free this weekend - next weekend I could, but that's hardly going to do any good.

[windstrider]

Oh, Kaze. That is incredibly fucked up on so many levels. You're right in that she is looking for something. The problem is that she'll never find it as long as she keeps looking outside of herself. She needs counseling to deal with that kind of internal strife.

You need counseling as well. You've been caught up in the chaos surrounding her for so long that you've adapted to it. Your perceptions have been warped by it. You'll need time to come out of it, to heal. Give yourself that time.

Know this: you did not cause this. From what you describe, this was bound to happen eventually no matter what you did.

[rcwraspy]

Kaze. I'm so sorry that this happened. From what I know of you on here, you're a pretty amazing guy. But please, keep this in mind:

You are a complete person. You are whole. Nothing defines you but what you so choose. Your character, YOUR actions, your words. Nobody else's.

[hamfactorial]

Thanks for the sympathies, guys.

Unfortunately, the house is in her name. So are the vehicles. When we started out, she had funds from after her mother passed away. Plus we were seventeen so it was easiest at the time to put the house under her name and have her father co-sign on stuff and "pay" the bills until she was eighteen. She has every legal right to force me out. Not all at once - I think you have to give someone a month to make arrangements - but regardless. I left. I don't want to see her.

She doesn't want to talk. I can only come to the conclusion she's been planning this for a while. She always said she'd go get the proper paperwork to put the house under my name as well and she never did. She never even changed her last name.

It makes
me sick to wonder how long this has been going on. And why. Was I not enough? Do I just suck that bad that she had to leave me all at once?

Thinking about it, it makes a bit of sense. She's that type of person. She can change her entire life in one day without feeling any remorse or giving a fuck about anyone else. When we first started living together, we were still in high school. She just abruptly left her home and left her father and decided she needed to go. Nothing more. Now she's done it to me. She's searching for something she apparently didn't find with me. I think she's got some serious issues she refuses to deal with, and a hole in her heart he can't fill. So she searches. So she alters her life here and there. And when it doesn't fill that hole, she changes something else. I just never thought it would escalate to this.

I keep thinking she'll change her mind. I actually passed her in the car on my way to my folks' house. I know she's back at my old home by now, and I didn't
exactly leave it in a nice state. And yet, she's still to much of a coward to say a word to me.

I'm just so torn up. I can't keep food down. All I want to do is sleep. I told work I wasn't coming in for a while. Everyone at home keeps rubbing my back and hugging me and telling me it'll be okay but it doesn't ease my pain. I feel like I need to run away in any direction but I know that won't help me escape the pain. I just...my entire life is disintegrated. She was my first and only love, the only person I've ever known completely. We've shared so many experiences. And she just left. Few words. Not even spoken. She just decided it was time for me to go. It's like a nightmare. I just don't understand.

Well, I'll play devil's advocate. If she has all the goods, take half of them because shitty behavior shouldn't be rewarded.

[DroppinSuga]

I think personally, I would break back into said house and shit all over her and whoever is there with her. That would be some real vigilante justice.

[Kazekirimaru]

Despite my love of all things red I'm not a very confrontational person.

[Kazekirimaru]

I think my problem right now is that I loved her so much I changed everything just to make her happy. I stopped seeing my friends, going out, doing things I liked, and so on. And now that she's left I not only have a void inside me but a void all around me. She was my life. Everything I did was for her in some way. Now I'm just lost. I need to rebuild myself. The self I had before I met her.

But I don't want to.

I miss her. Despite all she's done to me. All I want is for her to come back to me. I know that's wrong, but it is so.

[LP, of the Fires]

Life is a motherfucker, but you have to learn from your mistakes.

Compromises and sacrifices are necessary for relationships, but you can't give everything up. It's unhealthy to spend ALL your time with your loved one because that's too much investment. But you've learned that now.

Mourn and grieve all you need, but take this brutal lesson to heart so that you come away better for it.

[Jack]

I miss her. Despite all she's done to me. All I want is for her to come back to me. I know that's wrong, but it is so.

It might be wrong, but it's natural. The advice you'll get is to let it go, but you can't do that. Nobody in your position could. I hope I'm not rubbing salt in the wound here, but you did say that she was your life.
But still, you won't get her back. Get a good lawyer, get your shit back, and get your life back.

[Kazekirimaru]

I got everything of mine out of that house before I left today. I actually passed her car on my way to my folks' house. I missed her by less than a minute.

I left my bed there, though. It was old, and a friend has a barely used bed I can have. So I just cut a hole in the top and sides. I just could not bare the thought of her and whomever using it.

[Platypus]

Kaze, I'm so sorry to hear that the situation was far worse than I expected. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I can't. From the sound of it, it looks like this would have happened sooner or later anyway. Better now than later. It hurts like hell right now, and it should, but you'll get over it. Just find a good professional to talk to, you need the counseling. And she definitely have some issues that she should talk to someone about as well. If she is searching for something to fill a hole inside her, then she can't do that until she knows what that something is. Finding that out by herself isn't going to be easy. I don't know anything about her past, but I wouldn't be surprised if it has to do with her mother passing away.

[zemanjaski]

Guilty confession; I'm playing UB Control in all formats...

[LP, of the Fires]

I don't even know you anymore.

[Christen]

If I have to give an advice Kaze, you have to love yourself before you love anyone else. That way even if the world turned upside down, you know that you can bring yourself back up because you love yourself enough that you won't let yourself be down. You can take time to feel down and reflect on yourself but just remember that you'll have to stand up later and learn from your experience. At the very end, it will make you a stronger person.

[LP, of the Fires]

Delighted to find Cruel control is viable in modern. I've been DESTROYING motherfuckers today. The best thing is EOT lightning bolt there face when they're at 17 life and they don't know that they're dead in two turns.

[photodyer]

I think my problem right now is that I loved her so much I changed everything just to make her happy. I stopped seeing my friends, going out, doing things I liked, and so on. And now that she's left I not only have a void inside me but a void all around me. She was my life. Everything I did was for her in some way. Now I'm just lost. I need to rebuild myself. The self I had before I met her.

But I don't want to.

I miss her. Despite all she's done to me. All I want is for her to come back to me. I know that's wrong, but it is so.

Oh Kaze...you are now describing down to the letter the experience of having lived through the trauma of a relationship with a borderline. I suspected such more and more as you opened up to us, but what you wrote
above pretty much is boilerplate for what we Ozzies (normals) feel after the relationship blows up. You have over time become enmeshed in the chaos of her needs, needs you could never, ever hope to fulfill because she is broken. She is a black hole of need that sucks in everything but can never be satisfied, can never have enough from anyone because her self-image is utterly warped. She is incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship, and what you have been doing--giving up everything in your life until she was all there was then trying vainly to make her happy--is called codependence. No one can truly make another person feel anything--it is up to each of us to feel what we feel independent of the behavior of others.

What you need to know right now is that there is NOTHING you could have done that would have made things right...ALL paths for a borderline lead through traumatic, escalating drama to an ugly, hurtful end to every relationship they ever
have. If a borderline becomes self-aware and truly wants to change, they have an uphill battle that requires extensive, in-depth counseling and behavioral therapy; your wife may never get there, which is sad but totally NOT YOUR FAULT. My guess from your earlier comments about her dad is that her early family relationships are the source of her disorder...most likely abuse of some or multiple kinds. My friend, this is so not on you...you are a survivor of a situation that was doomed from the start because she cannot maintain a healthy relationship of any kind.

What you need to do right now is heal. As some of us have said already, please get some help for yourself. You have sustained real wounds to your psyche that a good counselor can help you to truly heal. Please trust us on this...been there, done that, still a work in progress.

I can offer something that will help you to understand--really, deeply understand--what you have been living through and how to move forward
from here. If you have it in you right now to extend a little trust, please PM me your mailing info so that I can send along a book that will help you get some perspective. It's written by another borderline survivor, it's a relatively short and easy read, but I can almost guarantee that you will find it revelatory. Its nothing religious or out-in-left-field psychobabble, but rather the account of another survivor explained in the context of the hell that is life with a borderline.

Rest, Kaze...rest well and know that it can and will get better.

[photodyer]

Delighted to find Cruel control is viable in modern. I've been DESTROYING motherfuckers today. The best thing is EOT lightning bolt there face when they're at 17 life and they don't know that they're dead in two turns.

I was reading an article on that today, LK...sounds truly awesome.

BTW, thanks so much for sharing your observations and experiences earlier today...you are a very insightful and well-spoken man and I truly appreciate your perspectives.

[LP, of the Fires]

I'm just keeping it real.

And for those whose power flows from the grixis shard, I must say, there is nothing more delightful then killing people with the combination of creeping tar pit, lightning bolt and the cruelest of ultimatums.

[RedNihilist]

Kaze, I'd like to tell you something as cool and insightful as photodyer but I really can't.
I'd also like to insult you because you shouldn't have left that house, even if you're not the actual owner, as I feel like that letting her doing whatever she wants is the best way to help her NOT overcome her problems while surrendering to apathy as well.
But it would just be useless.

I've been through something similar, investing three years of my life on a relationship and making some very regrettable choices, only to suddenly find out that the girl I was surrendering my life too was actually a manipulative bitch who had just started weaving a web of lies from the very first time we've actually got to know each other, and had at least another "significant one" for the whole time.
Luckily, I was really involved but not as much as you are, and while I think I can really understand your
feelings at the moment, I think I'm not able of getting a grasp of their magnitude.

I know you're desperate and confused, I know you don't know what to do, and I also assume that you actually don't know what you wish for; you're probably noticing that there's actually nothing you can do to make things better, you're realizing that things were not as good as you thought they were, and probably you've also already realized that even if she were to come back to you, you're probably never be able to build an healthy relationship with her.

Now, I'm quite a prideful, rage-driven person, and I've started recovering from my catatonia when I've decided to move on while openly hating her in any non-violent manner.
I don't know which way you'll follow to overcome your state, I can only tell you that you'll need some time and to really start focusing on yourself.

[Alex]

2 months?

You'll either have bagged another one or two or be real ready to.

I'd love to go, Alex, but I'm not free this weekend - next weekend I could, but that's hardly going to do any good.

No worries, I intend on scrubbing out anyway. I'm playing Bg control.

[redthirst]

Kaze, I'll don't know if it'll help you, but here's something to think about: that bitch has been planning this for some time - she's lied to you and pretended that everything was okay while knowing that she was leaving. She intentionally lead you on so that she could have time to get all her ducks in a row while not only making sure that you couldn't but also getting you to destroy as many relationships as she could so you'd be in the worst possible situation when she decided to leave.

This wasn't just an "I can't take it anymore - I'm out" situation - this was planned, premeditated, and malicious. She did this to hurt you.

I know it hurts and all you can do is let it hurt until it quits, but just don't torture yourself and extend the hurt one second longer than necessary by trying to figure out what you could have done differently. The only thing you could have done to prevent this situation
from happening now or sometime in the future was to not have married that cunt in the first place.

Man, fuck that bitch.

[RedNihilist]

^

[DroppinSuga]

Kaze, I'll don't know if it'll help you, but here's something to think about: that bitch has been planning this for some time - she's lied to you and pretended that everything was okay while knowing that she was leaving. She intentionally lead you on so that she could have time to get all her ducks in a row while not only making sure that you couldn't but also getting you to destroy as many relationships as she could so you'd be in the worst possible situation when she decided to leave.

This wasn't just an "I can't take it anymore - I'm out" situation - this was planned, premeditated, and malicious. She did this to hurt you.

I know it hurts and all you can do is let it hurt until it quits, but just don't torture yourself and
extend the hurt one second longer than necessary by trying to figure out what you could have done differently. The only thing you could have done to prevent this situation from happening now or sometime in the future was to not have married that cunt in the first place.

Man, fuck that bitch.

I don't think this could be reiterated enough. This is clearly what the bitch was doing and it fucking sucks. I think the best thing you can do right now is to immerse yourself in your hobbies and try to reconnect with old friends. As good as it sounds, do not go out and get hammered, that will only make you feel worse in the end.

[Col. Khaddafi]

True, reconnect with your friends. There's nothing worse than staying all alone at some place pondering about these issues. Also discussing it on the Internet, as soothing as it may be, can only achieve so much.

[Calamity]

I don't have any insightful thoughts for Kaze myself so I'll just quote Nietzsche:

"Whatever does not kill me make me stronger."

Take it to heart. No matter how bad it seems as long as you're still breathing you can't quit no matter what.

[Valdarith]

Kaze, do you have any friends out of town but not too far away? Like maybe a couple of hours? Seems like this is a great opportunity to get away for the weekend.

[Khaospawn]

I know you're desperate and confused, I know you don't know what to do, and I also assume that you actually don't know what you wish for; you're probably noticing that there's actually nothing you can do to make things better, you're realizing that things were not as good as you thought they were, and probably you've also already realized that even if she were to come back to you, you're probably never be able to build an healthy relationship with her.

This is so true. I've learned that with each fight you have with somebody, it slowly chips away at the imaginary rock representing the respect you have for that person. After enough fights, that rock is chiseled into damn near
nothing and the void left in its absence is slowly filled with loathing and resentment.

For some people, fighting is healthy. For others, fighting is used as a method of control. And, in the end, can you ever really go back to the way things once were? Love isn't about controlling or demoralizing or manipulating somebody. At the end of the day, unless you have a magic mind erasing stick a la Men In Black, nobody or nothing is going to erase the hurt, scars, and damage left behind.

There is no going back. To do so would be to slowly fall back into the groove of the old ways. And when the old ways didn't work in the past, why would they work now?

Food for thought.

[Kazekirimaru]

All too true, friends. I know I should resent her, but every time I try to I remember shit like our first date and when we were looking to buy a house and I just get sad again. Meh.

I took a shower today, which is pretty cool. I also ate something successfully for the first time in four or five days, which is also good since I lost eleven pounds since she left.

I'd like to get on facebook and talk to some friends since that's pretty much the main form of communication poor college students who can't afford cellular phones correspond these days, but I'm afraid of what I'll see. I knew and talked to a lot of her friends, so I'm expecting at least one hate message fueled by the lies she's likely spreading about me to justify leaving.

But, yeah. Going back to work tomorrow. Going to see if anybody wants to hang out after. That's pretty much all I got.

[Thrillho]

You referenced fighting with her when you first brought these proceedings up. What were these fights about? Was there an underlying problem/fight that would instigate others? Clearly your communication wasn't entirely up to snuff -- was it ever very good? Were you two good communicators prior to this breakdown? How was your communication during these arguments/fights?

Take some time to be really sad and get the venom out, then go out and do things you like and surround yourself with people you enjoy being around. If you like video games, play video games. If you like D&D, get a bunch of friends together and start a campaign. If you like dirt bikes, drive around in the Remains of Old Detroit.

When you're feeling better, then take some time to reflect on everything that's gone on and use what happened to learn and grow. Obviously there are two sides to everything, and you cannot change the thoughts and machinations
that led her to this end point, but you can use what happened to improve yourself.

Clearly you've poured everything into this relationship and it sounds like maybe you could stand to love yourself more or, failing that, become a person you want to love. Get some self esteem -- you gave up your friends and life for one person; was it because these people were harmful to you? Or was it because your wife was jealous/controlling? Learn to identify harmful people who will stunt your grown or even reverse your growth. Was communication the problem? It tends to be a lot of the time. Learn to become a better communicator, both as a listener and speaker. Were the fights over totally dumb stuff? Maybe learn to be a more patient person.

Do not do anything that will harm you or harm others. You are currently unwell and your priority should be healing. Take time for yourself and let things that will slow that process go on the back burner until you're in less of an incapacitated state.

Be well.

[Kazekirimaru]

Our fights were over stupid things that would escalate. You know, it begins with leaving dishes in the sink unwashed and ends with yelling about things that have nothing to do with the original topic. It was just silly basic couple things. And we did communicate quite well...I thought we still were. During our fights we didn't communicate quite as well. It usually devolved into name-calling and one of us not speaking for an hour or so.

I gave my friends up because...she didn't like them. And I could stand to be more patient.

We had our issues. I understand I was never perfect. Neither was she. We were okay with our imperfections though, mostly. What baffled me is that I didn't understand how she could flick a mental switch and just decide it was time for a new man in her life.

She hasn't attempted to contact me since she left. That bothers me more than yelling at me ever could. She doesn't appear to care in the
slightest that she brought the hammer down on our marriage in one night.

But, yeah. Friends are good. I'm trying to get some of those together.

Thank you again, everyone. I'm amazed as to how supportive you all are. It's pretty cool.

[Thrillho]

I wouldn't think too deeply about these things right now. Keep my questions in your back pocket when you're done having nothing but fun all the time and are ready to go back to being a full-time human. These are questions for you to work out with yourself, though I'm more than happy to lend an ear and try to direct you towards self realization.

[rcwraspy]

2 months?

You'll either have bagged another one or two or be real ready to.

I'd love to go, Alex, but I'm not free this weekend - next weekend I could, but that's hardly going to do any good.

No worries, I intend on scrubbing out anyway. I'm playing Bg control.

Would be great if you could post a decklist and event report in the primer! Good luck!

[Pyreheart Bezerra]

Kaze, hang in there. All will be well, and things will get better in time.Maybe alone time is what you need. Get to know and love yourself; everything else will fall into place.

Guilty confession; I'm playing UB Control in all formats...

Yes, I too, am playing some UB in standard right now. I picked up LSV's list of his stream and so far I am enjoying the change of pace. What changes have you made, if any, to his build and. How in the world do you deal with Planeswalkers? Is it counter them or nothing, or ambush a snapcaster to keep them at bay?

[LP, of the Fires]

If the planeswalker isn't something that can kill you(like liliana) you can probably ignore it and drownyard them. If it's a garruk, and unanswered, ratchet bomb is your friend. If it's liliana, BETTER HAVE THAT SNAPCASTER SON.

[rcwraspy]

just participated in my first MTGO 8-man. Went 2-1 with AIR. Beat Bant Hexproof and Big Naya, lost to Dega Aristocrats. Had hoped that 2nd won me some tickets, but got 3 packs of M14. Haven't opened them yet. What's the best use for them? Enter a draft with them and hope to win? Turn them into tix somehow?

[DroppinSuga]

Sell the packs.

[rcwraspy]

Sweet, got 10 tix and some credit for the 3 packs. So a positive of 4 tix. Not bad! I know this all sounds so incredibly noobish, but I'm just starting to figure out MTGO and having some fun with it.

[DroppinSuga]

Good job! I think I'm going all in on MTGO this weekend. I'm having a hard time justifying going to FNM every week, so I think MTGO would be a good move for me.

[Kaitscralt]

Always sell your packs. Find the bot you like best and you will spend much less money if you can keep winning and flipping packs.

[hamfactorial]

Google for a few packs bot names and always compare prices before selling. You can usually sell pack multiples on the classifieds for slightly higher. 3x for 11, etc., or a price higher than the bot would buy, but cheaper than it would sell. Some users will look for packs via classifieds first.