Lather Up and Blather On, Vol. 3

[Col. Khaddafi]

We're making it happen guys!

[Dragon of Grondok]

I AM THE DRAGON OF GRONDOK AND I HAVE WOKEN ONCE MORE!

TO CELEBRATE THE RECENT DRAMA, PLEASE CHOOSE A CHARACTER:

SENE “BLOODEAGLE” ERIKSSON:

WEAPON: BATTLEAXE
FINISHING MOVE: THE BLOODEAGLE

--

GALSPANIC TOECLAW

WEAPON: FOOT TALONS
FINISHING MOVE: THE VELOCIRAPTOE

--

NAI FOXSQUAT

WEAPON: FOXSUIT
FINISHING MOVE: THE GAMESTOPPER

--

VOLTRAN SLOW-GOER

WEAPON: DROOL
FINISHING MOVE: THE MTGSALIVATION

--

LAPDOG THE BULLIED-MUCH

WEAPON: CAMERA
FINISHING MOVE: THE BROWN NOSE

--

PICK A CHARACTER AS YOUR CHAMPION AND DESCRIBE THEIR ATTACK ON THE DRAGON OF GRONDOK IN 1,000 WORDS. YOU MUST MENTION THEIR WEAPON AND FINAL ATTACK. MOST CREATIVE WINS, NOT FIRST POSTED. VOTE WILL BE HELD IF TWO OR MORE PEOPLE SUBMIT A CHALLENGE. BONUS POINTS IF I WIN THE BATTLE.

WINNER GETS A SPECIAL IRIDIUM TROPHY!

[Dragon of Grondok]

TIME IS RUNNING OUT!

[rezombad]

exactly 1,000?

[iamabadman]

i chose fuck you, suck my balls and give me that fucking trophy

[Dragon of Grondok]

EXACTLY 1,000!

*BREATHES FIRE, EATING A POST*

[Dragon of Grondok]

AS ALWAYS, THE CHALLENGE ENDS AT THE ONSET OF PAGE 110

*BREATHES FIRE, EATING A POST*

[iamabadman]

gonna spam this so no one wins, taking the ball and running

[Kaitscralt]

Godspeed.

[Col. Khaddafi]

I've just deleted 5 useless badman posts. One of them was even bemoaning iridium, this just to say how adamant I am at deleting useless badman 109 posts.

[iamabadman]

STOP DELETING MY POSTS YOU BASTArds

[Second Harkius]

that dragon sure is enthusiastic

[Second Harkius]

wait

don't delete baguy posts just because he's crapping on page 109

[Second Harkius]

anyway I'm picking Voltron as my character

[Second Harkius]

1000 words? lol never mind

[Second Harkius]

1000 words is like 725 posts for me

[Kaitscralt]

corruption strikes baguy once more

[admin]

New rule as of now, anyone posting more than 5 times on page 109 gets its posts merged unless they are badman posts whereby they get deleted.

[Kaitscralt]

1000 words is like 725 posts for me

What kind a professor are you?

[Kaitscralt]

New rule as of now, anyone posting more than 5 times on page 109 gets its posts merged unless they are badman posts whereby they get deleted.

BTW I was going to let Pendulum come up with a gimmick this time but the flood of pages gave me zero time, a good banning will do that.

[iamabadman]

HATE YOU GUYS. FUCK YOU DRAGON. FUCK YOU KRATY

FUCK YOU iamabadman, Kaitscralt, Spambolic and 0 guests

[admin]

That post was quality. It gets to live.

[Stardust]

15 posts to go? You guys better hurry!

I'm betting on the Bloodeagle. That guy sounds like a badass.

[rezombad]

Dread turns into night as I kneel, claws at fully extended, do claws extend? I consult wikipedia ready to begin what would surely be my least intersting battle ever. Wikipedia has no information about fox claws specifically so I delve further into various fox classifications in order to fully become my character. The arctic fox page is devoid of fox claw information. The crab-eating fox page is devoid of fox claw information. The south american fox page is devoid of fox claw information. The bat-eared fox page is devoid of fox claw information. The pages of the Bengal fox, Vulpes bengalensis, Blanford's fox, Vulpes cana, Cape fox, Vulpes chama, Corsac fox, Vulpes corsac, Fennec fox, Vulpes zerda, Kit fox, Vulpes macrotis, Pale fox, Vulpes pallida, Rüppell's fox, Vulpes rueppellii, Red fox, Vulpes vulpes (includes silver fox), Swift fox, Vulpes velox, Tibetan sand fox, Vulpes ferrilata all contained no information regarding
fox claws.

My day almost ruined and the battle with the dragon looming, I have no other choice. I use google to locate a page about red foxes and learn this: "One very remarkable feature distinguishing foxes from other canines is their semiretractable claws. This feature helps keep the claws sharp by reducing their contact with the ground."

Continuing to read I discover more interesting fox information; "To catch prey, the red fox has evolved very acute senses. As previously mentioned, foxes and cats have evolved extremely similar eyes. Their retinas are dominated by photoreceptor cells called rods. While rods can not detect colour or produce images as sharp as the cone cells that dominate human eyes, they are much more sensitive and function better in low light. To further improve night vision, nocturnal animals such as foxes and cats developed a reflective layer behind the retina called the tapetum lucidum. It serves to reflect light back onto the retina, thereby doubling the animal´s
chance to see something it might otherwise miss. This layer is what makes a cat´s eyes glow in the dark, and has the same effect with foxes. Under conditions of bright light, pupils constrict to protect the delicate photoreceptors. Dogs get by with round pupils, but with their more sensitive eyes, foxes have evolved distinctive elliptical pupils that contract more fully. These features provide excellent ability to detect movement in the dark, although at the cost of clarity and detail particularly under lighter conditions.

Another sensory feature useful in poor light is the fox´s whiskers, or vibrissae. Longer than those of dogs, these cat like whiskers extend from both the snout and the wrists. Tactile information from these vibrissae supplement vision in dim light.

The fox´s triangular shaped ears move continually to improve reception. In "How To Spot A Fox", J. David Henry, describes a "mousing position" in which a fox will elevate its head with it´s ears erect to detect sound.
Once prey is detected, the fox will cock or lower it´s head to determine where it is. Foxes possess extremely acute hearing, particularly in the low frequency range. This is very useful in detecting and localizing small animals in under growth or deep snow to within a few centimeters. Hearing is probably the most useful sense to a hunting red fox."

What a day!
But how will this information help me defeat a dragon, the most fearsome of all mythical beings? I fear that it will not. But I must stand against this tyrranical scumbag. This defender of the wicked.

I think back to one of my previous adventures as a fox, set on a group of planets in the Lylat System. Ingenious scientist Andross, a native of the fourth planet Corneria, is driven to madness and nearly destroys the planet using biological weapons. For Andross' treason, General Pepper exiles the scientist to the remote planet Venom. Five years after Andross' exile, Pepper discovers an unknown activity in Venom. Pepper hires the Star Fox
team (consisting of James FOXSQUAT, Peppy Hare, and Pigma Dengar) to investigate. After arriving at Venom, Pigma betrays the team and causes James and Peppy to be captured by Andross. James eventually sacrifices himself, allowing Peppy to escape and tell James' son, NAI FOXSQUAT about his father's fate.
A few years following James' demise, Andross launches an attack across the Lylat System. Realizing that his army cannot stop Andross, Pepper summons the Star Fox team, now consisting of NAI, Peppy, Falco Lombardi and Slippy Toad. While traveling through several planets, including the Lylat System's star, Solar, and the asteroid field Meteo, the team battles with several of Andross' henchmen, including the rival mercenaries, Star Wolf.
The team eventually invades Venom, where NAI defeats Andross, only to find that it is a false, robotic version of himself. He destroys it and returns to Corneria, leaving Andross in Venom. Fox eventually decides to confront Andross one more time, along with Star Wolf. Fox
defeats Andross, who reveals his true form, a floating brain with two floating eyes. After defeating the brain, James appears and shows Fox the way out. When he narrowly escapes, they return to Corneria for a victory celebration. When offered membership into the Cornerian Army, NAI declines on behalf of his team; saying "Oh no, sir. We prefer doing things our own way". The game ends with the Great Fox and the Star Fox team flying off in their Arwings into the skies.

"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
I can't count past twenty so I count again
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
and again
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
ntwenty"
and again
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
and again as I deliver these blows to the dragon
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
I can feel him weakening
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
I count the blows to the dragon aloud as I recall the events in the Lylat System.
The death of my father
"one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen
fifteen
sixteen
seventeen
eighteen
nineteen
twenty"
The dragon crumples to dust in my hands as I declare myself the victor, destroyer of dragons, ancient space gargoyles and all other beings. The world smiles
on my greatness and the president of Earth prepares a parade in my honor

[iamabadman]

you suck

[rezombad]

definitely.

[iamabadman]

my hobby: seeing if female redditor's have posted in gonewild

[Col. Khaddafi]

I rate the tale at like 5/10 on a first cursory glance.

[rezombad]

its more like a 2/10 honestly

[rezombad]

1 point for having 1000 words and 1 point for.. i dunno 'effort'?

[Col. Khaddafi]

The bar was set fairly low by checkbox. He even has a trophy

[Stardust]

Copy-paste special gets a 1.5/10 from me. Maybe no one else will post. I'd give you a 10% chance of beating "None of the Above" in a vote.

[rezombad]

I like those odds.

[Col. Khaddafi]

Oh yeah, re-reading that noise I give i a 3/a0 after all.

[( G_R )]

Lapdog The Bullied-much wanted the reward for slaying the Dragon of Grondok. However, he didn’t take the usual “knight on a white horse, spear first” approach. Oh no. He approached the castle humbly dressed as an everyday peasant. He thought that maybe that way the dragon wouldn’t see him coming. But the Dragon of Grondok still growled, and sniffed him from a mile. The Dragon took off and flew right at the sorry little guy. It started spitting fire from its mouth and, accustomed to bullying as he was, Lapdog ran quickly to a cave opening and barely avoided the burning breath of the mighty creature.
Lapdog The Bullied-much saw then that it wasn’t about to be an easy task. He then thought that it would be best to stay away from the dragon’s castle, until the time was right, and went deeper inside the cave. He found that a tribe of warriors lived in there, and he slowly started gaining the favor of the more experienced warriors,
by patronizing other peasants and lower-ranked mercenaries. He saw that the whole tribe was plotting a scheme to bring down the Dragon’s castle, and slay the mystic creature, and started bringing his own devices to the table.
He soon gained the favor of the tribe’s leader, Rinamort. And he plotted with him how to bring down the Dragon. But secretly, he was devising a plot of his own. He hadn’t told anyone about his secret weapon: the camera. And he didn’t plan to, either.
Everyone knew that killing the dragon within its castle was a daunting task. The elite of the warrior tribe had already come to the conclusion that they needed to lure the Dragon out, and that they needed to either bring the Dragon to the ground, or somehow be able to fight at the Dragon’s height, near the sky. Then it occurred to them. They would lure it to the highest summit of their kingdom, and they needed someone to be ready at the top with a special weapon to slay the dragon, while the rest of the tribe used siege weapons to tear
down every wall of the Dragon’s castle. Lapdog The Bullied-much volunteered to be at the summit waiting for the Dragon, but still he didn’t reveal his secret weapon.
Luring the Dragon of Grondok out wasn’t as easy a task as they thought. They made many attempts, but every time the Dragon would just fly out, burn the crap out of the luring crews, and then return to the northern tower of the Castle, where it just sat and waited, as if gloating over the defeat of the warriors.
Lapdog realized that they needed to deceive the Dragon, in order to strike the final blow. He told Rinamort, the tribe leader, to speak to the witches, who produced a cursed, fake, dragon’s egg. Once the Dragon touched the egg, it would be trapped and Lapdog would be free to use his camera to expose the maliciousness of the Dragon, and defeat it. He tricked Rinamort into revealing his location to the dragon, and showing to him that he had acquired one of its eggs. Rinamort was so convinced of the fatefulness of his new servant that he
agreed with the plan.
Rinamort took the egg and rode his horse to the recently founded town of Yorkhatten. It was within the Dragon of Grondok’s reach, and he started making noise with his sword and shield. But the Dragon merely growled, as if chuckling. Rinamort grew angrier, and started to throw rocks at the castle, but he wasn’t reaching it. One of his servants, Snakeresque, came with a new idea: a bow and arrow. He quickly ran through the village, avoiding a fire spit from the passing Dragon, and swiftly grabbed the bow and some arrows. He then struggled back through a similar kind of difficulties. When he finally returned, he was surprised to find a very savage looking Rinamort, who was sucking the blood out of the neck of a rooster that he found near their location. Snakeresque merely watched, as Rinamort sucked the rooster’s blood.
Snakeresque held the bow and stretched it as far back as he could. His arms trembled with the effort. When he finally released the arrow, he fell to the floor from the
momentum he had imprinted to the projectile. The arrow flew, and missed the Dragon of Grondok’s wing by a couple inches, but that sure got the dragon’s attention. Rinamort started yelling and waving the fake dragon’s egg in the air. The Dragon, however, wasn’t easily deceived, and it knew already that that was not one of its eggs, because the Dragon of Grondok was a male dragon, and he laid none. However, he realized that this Rinamort person was not going to leave him alone until he tore his head from his living body, and started flapping its wings.
Lapdog was waiting on top of the mountain’s summit, and had his camera ready. From the height, he saw how Rinamort dodged flame after flame from the dragon’s mouth. He encouraged him while he was climbing the mountain. Suddenly, the dragon grew tired of warnings and grabbed Rinamort’s horse with its powerful jaws. This propelled Rinamort higher up the mountain, very near the summit. The Dragon of Grondok chewed the horse mercilessly, and came back for Rinamort,
who had already reached the summit . Rinamort stood a few paces in front of Lapdog, who took out his camera and smacked Rinamort in the head with it. Rinamort fell flat on his face with his buttocks up, just in time for Lapdog to prepare THE BROWN NOSE. With a fully brown nose, Lapdog prepared his camera to take a shot at the Dragon. The Dragon spat a dense smoke ball towards Lapdog, who almost dropped his camera, and catch it mid-air, only backwards. When he tried to take a shot at the dragon, he shot himself, and the Dragon ate him.

[rezombad]

1004 words, disqualified.

[Stardust]

Classic fairy-tale approach, including a moral of the story! 6.5/10!

[( G_R )]

[rezombad]

[Checkbox]

fuck everyone